Halloween has me thinking, I guess. It's that time of year where people dress up and post selfies. When I look at my friends (almost all of them are women), I feel something similar to jealousy. Not in a bad way, I don't want to take anything from them, and their happiness makes me happy. But when I see them, I realize I wish I were looking in a mirror.
It is becoming very obvious to me that I don't know who I am. Or maybe it's just obvious that I know who I am not.
Right now, I don't look in the mirror and feel the happiness that I should. I am not ugly, I have been told by people whose opinions I value greatly that I am attractive, and that should be good enough for me (and for a while it was), but it's just not. This isn't how I want to look, it's not how I want to be perceived.
I have many masculine features, most of which I want nothing to do with. I do not want to be covered in body hair, I do not want to have a "beer belly", I do not want to have a neck and head that slouch forward, I do not want to be large and imposing and manly.
I wear almost exclusively unflattering, plain, utilitarian clothing. The only two items of clothing I own that go against that description are a pair of blue capri pants that don't fit very well, and a tie-dye button-up shirt. This is on the verge of being fruity, but I don't think it makes me look any better, and that's still only one outfit.
I don't know, I'm rambling. But I'm tired of being me. I feel like I'm not being myself by continuing on in unhappiness.
I am tired of masculinity, and I want to be rid of it. I have heard so many different ideas on what it means to "be a man", and most of them suck.
I don't know if I want to "be a woman", because that's a can of worms all on its own, but I definitely want to be feminine.
There are still people in my life (read: in my Facebook friend list) who will not be entirely happy with this information. The people that matter will be wholly supportive. Make no mistake; I also mean that if they aren't, they do not matter.
And for now, why wouldn't these hypothetical people offer support? I am not asking anything of them but to remain silent if they feel the urge to be hateful.
In fact, I'm asking nothing of anyone. I will still respond to he/him, I will still respond to the name "Nathan", I will not be going out in public dressed any different than I already do until I make massive changes to my physique. That stuff might change in the future, and if it does, we will not cross that bridge unless it's time to cross it.
Who am I? I don't know, but I want to find out.